


Feel The Sun

by AleXandra Danielle Paris (Fictionness)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 12:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17508563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionness/pseuds/AleXandra%20Danielle%20Paris
Summary: A PWP It’s more of a character analysis of Tom Paris in respect to what I see his views are on people being proud of him.





	Feel The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Set Around - During assumed party at the end of Pathfinder.
> 
> Information - Contains spoilers for Hunter, Vis A Vis, a piece of plot development between the period of Hunter to Extreme Risk. Also Thirty Days, there are also hints for things included during season two and three. Basically if you have seen up to Pathfinder you're safe, therefore Aussie's that collect the videos you can read without have future plots spoiled, if you only watch tv then there are spoilers. Yes I am Australian (sigh and or cries) that means I have to wait till around April 2002 for the final if Paramount keeps realising one video a month.
> 
> Author’s note: This is my first (I Actually wrote not published) Voyager fanfic. And the first one I have written in first person. This story is similar to a series I did for X-Files called Reflections On The Past, that you can here under Vanessa Gray. So any comments and opinion please let me know. I think I might expand this into a series like x-files, doing reflections for other characters. Especially since I am back and writing after years off.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters, the ship and the unknown universe belong to paramount. I am just taking the characters out to play. Please don’t sue I am making no profit off this now nor will I ever make any profit. I only live in the dream of maybe getting to write for a series that I like. The song "Feel The Sun" can be heard on Northern Star and is sung by Mel C. The song was written by Melanie Chisholm, Rick Nowels. A good cd especially for P/T fans have a listen to never be the same again or Suddenly Monday. The only thing I own is the story, unless of course you don’t like it then I have never seen it before, it is my evil twin that wrote.

B’Elanna asked "if anybody knew Barclay?" The Doctor started to tell Janeway and the others that he had "looked up his medical record and Barclay has had an interesting medical history including transporter-phobia and holo-addiction." The Captain doesn’t mind his past; she is strange like that. Look at me - she forgave me - gave me a second chance. "Well, whatever his problems are, he certainly came through for us." The Commander makes an interesting offer, "Starfleet should give him a promotion." I would happily give him one, he gave me the opportunity to talk to my farther, for me to find the happiness I never thought I would find from him as well as the forgiveness and that once again I am his son. Seven arrives, I wonder why she never came straight down I find out as she hands Janeway a padd. She reports that she has analyzed the new subspace technology and it looks promising - they can look forward to regular contact with home. My heart leaps at the thought of more communications with Dad. Neelix mentions that the news deserves a toast and the Captain asks me "Care to do the honors Tom?" To which I say, "to my dad. It’s nice to know he’s still there. And to the newest honorary member of the Voyager crew, Reginald Barclay, whoever you are." Everybody does a here - here.

After the toast I start to let my mind wonder, but my face holds the look as if I was still there at the party, listening. The Admiral is asking the Captain "How are your people holding up?" I sit there afraid of what he will think of me now. The question is a safe one the Admiral doing his job. She replies to his question, "Very well. They’re an exemplary crew, your son included." No. I worry I had come up in her declaration he had to know I was on the bridge. By the Captain’s disclosure, everybody on the bridge would know, what he thought. I would know. "Tell him. Tell him I miss him and I’m proud of him." My dad says. That’s my farther, saying what I always longed to hear - his approval. I’m shocked into silence and I wait for more but it’s the Captain, Kathryn that answers for me. "He heard you, Admiral." My mind however races back to another time we or to the point the rest of the crew received news from the Alpha-quadrant, almost two years ago.

These thoughts can be evil and they are often deceive. Gotta believe that I can overcome. My fears are the worst and they always return. Feel like I don’t belong.

"Neelix to the ready room. The party is about to begin and there’s only two people missing." The Talaxian told the two most senior officers on Voyager. Everybody else was mingling, I was tired so I sat in a chair looking at the stars flying pass at warp six. B’Elanna had said that there isn’t much to do at the helm when holding position. True, but it’s never wrecking, you have to be on your toes for that order to fly off at warp. This time though we had a singularity trying to suck us in, and you have to figure a way to maneuver the ship out of there. Besides I had a double shift with Doc, he wanted me to increase my medical skills in case he ever had to go back to the Alpha-quadrant again. Anyway I must have fallen asleep oblivious to the noise around me. I have a habit of talking in my sleep on occasions, especially when I have nightmares. I’m not sure, if I was mumbling or it was lost in the noise. Cause I had started to dream, first of being the only medic on Voyager and there was a major emergency, then a disaster at the helm, and finally my farther, the last time I saw him. Somebody must have tapped me as they past the chair or I was missed and somebody tried to wake me. I don’t know but I got vocal about my dream. Dad was being as disapproving as I remembered, it was the day after I confessed about what I had done after the death of my three friends. But unlike my aloof attitude, I was begging him to understand why I did it. The others heard me yell out. "I’m sorry I lied." Harry told me, I scared a quiet a few people, but I continued with my talking. "I was scared... I... I lost my friends. I... I didn’t want to lose you too." I started sobbing according to B’Elanna who told me later when she and Harry explained what had happen. "I didn’t know what I was doing. I just followed their lead, scared you wouldn’t talk to me, that you wouldn’t love me. That you would never be proud of me." I woke up then noticed people staring so I pretended to go back to sleep. A collective sigh went up as after a few minutes people went back to talking, getting back into the swing of the party.

Lost in the wreckage of a million bad dreams. Hard to function, I just need some routine. God it’s obscene. When did they stop the fun?

I snuck out and went to the holodeck and called up the resort. I sat at the beach line. I wondered what it would be like if I had told him that instead of the "I don’t know." Of reality, would the thirty seconds after that comment have been the same? "I have no son," was all he said as I left. Would my nightmarish existence after that…would it have been the same? A period of time where alcohol was my friend, maybe more so than, the sex and gambling, means to get more to drink. Was I to blame for my farther not loving me? I needed to do something. Curling up in a bottle was not the solution this time, I gave a last glance at the waves and went to the bridge relieving Culhan, told him to come back in an hour and to have fun at the party. Gods, I was pathetic, I started to hide in my work, hiding from my fears. People not accepting me for who I am, to be alone again. I stopped being the fun person I was and just made the odd joke to deflect people from the pain I was feeling, I still can’t believe I made that mouse comment.

I knew that something must be done to save the person I have become. That’s why I had to run away.

It all came to ahead when Seth stole my life. I know he caused so many problems for the others. None more so than B’Elanna, what he said to her, what he did. What he did to me. It was funny. I was running away from me, from what I had to do on Voyager and what I had there. But then it was taken from me. I realised what my life had become, how much I had accomplished. How much my life on Voyager meant to me. It was my life. No pun intended. While Seth caused problems, part of me is grateful as it stopped me from running from what I have now. My fears cause me to destroy good things, before they have a chance to destroy me. Maybe it’s my sacrificial streak rearing it’s ugly head.

Feel the sun. Waves crash like my emotions. Life has begun, now I will be safe from the storm. I found the one this Angel’s is my salvation. I’m feeling strong. You will be there if I fall.

After I got my body back later that day I took B’Elanna to see my Camero, I started to let her in. I remembered her trying to get through to me. I remembered her trying to cheer me up with, "you can assume he said he loves you, and that he’s proud of you" of the letter my farther had sent, when it failed to come through. God if I had received it I would have known. I told her. I realised I could trust her with my fear. I wish I hadn’t gotten my hopes up. I wish I had stayed at my pessimistic best. I told her and she helped me, she gave me the courage to tell Harry, to explain why I was the way I was that way I was to his optimism. That was when they told me about the party. Part of me is sad that B’Elanna never told me of her depression, her lack of feeling. But that time she was my Angel, my Salvation, the person who made me realise I had changed, like she had said I had during the Day of Honor. I felt freed, but not completely clear of my worry of what my farther would think, but it wasn’t my consuming thought. I resumed my duties, with my old joy again. They were worth doing, for my own feelings of worth, not because I thought Dad would be proud of me. At least that had changed.

Guilt is no use it will tarnish your soul. Just let it go. The battle will soon be won.

When I was in the brig I started the letter to my Dad to fill in the time and as a person to explain myself to as I learnt who I was now, who I had become. Harry told me, "what was it you once told me? That your farther use to say you never finished anything." I think he also picked up on my old fear of what he would think. I realised between what my best-friend told me and B’Elanna mentioning that I could save the day, I didn’t need to be guilty over the situation. When I did what I did, I wasn’t Tom Paris con as Janeway accused me of being later. Neither was I Tom Paris Starfleet Officer. Hell I wasn’t even Tom Paris Marquis. I was Tom Paris. I was myself and I was doing what I thought was right. It was the morally correct thing to do for me. I had won cause I chose myself, instead of feeling guilty over what others on the ship might think over my chosen course in saving the Moneans.

Cold in the shadow of who I should be. There’s a fire burning deep inside me. Helping me see, only I hold the key.

When I started with the Doc at the beginning of this trip, he feed me the do no harm. When Kes took over he layed off it as my shifts there dropped, but I still had to go for the occasional lesson as a backup for Kes. When I came back he told me about it again. Then just after the alien tried to use B’Elanna’s organs, he started talking about it again, but this time in relation to the oath. I cornered him one day and had an honest and open conversation, which means I layed off the jokes and him the sarcasm. He told me he wanted me to take the oath and to train as a doctor. He said I was nearly a that level and just had a few more things to learn. I told him fine, under two conditions. First he told nobody about me taking the oath no need for them to know about what level I was at. He said he’d have to tell the Captain. I nodded, only if you tell her my second condition. I’m your assistant. I wasn’t bucking for his job, I was happy as the chief Conn Officer. He smiled and said absolutely.

And now I stand here unafraid. Proud of everything I’ve made. That’s why I had to run away.

After a while you get into it and you can’t let others do harm to themselves. That’s what the Moneans were doing, my Starfleet principals stopped me. B’Elanna helped me realise that my own ethical principals were more important. I had the ability to help Rega. I chose to do that. Doing the letter to my father I realised that I should let go of the guilt as well, not only for what I did then, but before, for some of the things I have done in the past. I wanted Dad to know the real me, not his version of what he thinks I should be. I was proud, I made a choice and stuck by my guns. Yes, while sometimes I feel hurt when my rank is used, sometimes though it comforts me, tells me I was willing to pay the price for my convections. The brig forced me to stay put and deal with these issues instead of hiding within myself or looking to somebody-else to fix it. I dealt with it like the adult that few people can accept I am .

Feel the sun. Waves crash like my emotion. Life has begun, now I will be safe from the storm. I found the one. This angel’s my salvation. I’m feeling strong. You will be there if I fall.

When I got out of the brig, B’Elanna organised dinner in her quarters. Afterwards we went to the resort. I wanted it sunny and it was. It was nice to feel that warmth. But it didn’t feel nearly as warm as B’Elanna’s arms around me. We went back to my quarters after that. All the emotions of my absents came to the floor then and she was there for me, to love and at the same time she showed me that she loved me as I am. I think her saying she was proud of me is what saved me - made me move. For once somebody was proud of me for something I did instead of me doing something I thought they wanted me to do. I told her that I love her, that she’s my Angel saving me in ways nobody else knows how to or had.

There’s so much energy. At last I can be free. I am the person I was looking for.

My father’s words have released me. They make me feel vindicated. I feel like I truly belong within my skin. There are no real words to describe how I feel. But the joy that I feel will last me for a long time to come. I still don’t think I’ll ever be as dedicated to getting back to the alpha-quadrant as the others. But just maybe there is something to look forward to in getting back there. But I can’t say I want to go home, cause I am home.

"Tom," the others noticed I had zoned out. B’Elanna called me out of my reverie. I decided to tell them. My love, my best friend and my friends. It’s B’Elanna, Harry, and the other Senior staff. "I was thinking about life here. How two years ago. I would thrown myself into any situation so when I got back my farther would say he was proud. No matter what I think a part of me always knew he loved me, no matter what he said. I just wanted him to be proud like when I was little flying those shuttles. But a while back I realised it wasn’t as important as I thought it was. That I had to set my own expectations and live up to them. Okay maybe once or twice I’ve strayed recently. But I’m just as proud of myself and what I’ve done as Dad is." I smile shyly, Kathryn taps my shoulder her way of comfort and support. The Doctor smiles as do the others as they leave to join other groups. B’Elanna hugs me not worried about the rule on PDA. "I’m proud of you Tom." Harry smiles and we start a conversation on our new projects for the ship.

Feel the sun. Waves crash like my emotion. Life has begun, now I will be safe from the storm. I found the one. This angel’s my salvation. I’m feeling strong I’ll never fall. You are there when I call.

 

The End.


End file.
